October 1, 2024

I've unwittingly lived my adult life with the deep, sharp fear that scarred my early childhood and teenage life. I've been left exhausted by an absence of trust, a gnawing uncertainty and frankly, a toxic co-mingling of physical violence and love. This has only brought unnecessary suffering; to myself and to those that I love. I have avoided actions that would bring much joy into our world, preferring instead to exist in a cognitive 'safe mode' and emotional isolation. I have clung oh-so tightly to familiar and unhealthy patterns, partly as a rough and worn comfort blanket - but mostly because the alternative meant getting closer to others. And that fucking terrified me.

June 12, 2021

In writing to build, I mentioned about 'seeing the world as it is, and not as it ought to be'. What a crock of shit. That is not building better. Or thinking better. It is certainly not progression. By limiting myself to what I can observe only in the here and now, I deny myself the joy of dreaming. And as an eternal optimist, that just ain't gonna cut it.